Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
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I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
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Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.