I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
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saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Word.
~ Microsoft.
sigh
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*