Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
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angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.