This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
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Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
bad news gang
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.