Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
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Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!