Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
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The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”