A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
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WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
c’mon!
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle