Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
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I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost