Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
You Might Also Like
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
translated into Canadian
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit