Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
You Might Also Like
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!