HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
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love it when they get my name right
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
My work here is done
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.