She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
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Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game