I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
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When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
Seals are just dog mermaids.
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?