“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
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I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
Cha-ching is my safe word
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
🤣🤣🤣
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free