48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
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I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks