If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
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It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.