Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
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Very problematic
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
My loaf of bread looks terrified
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
I got bills
They’re multiplying
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”