Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
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Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
Feels like there should be a middle ground
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.