Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
You Might Also Like
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
Before crowbars crows drank alone
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh