Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
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Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
Found the job I’m suited for
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!