neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
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“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL