If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
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My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess