How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
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Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
This probably isn’t good
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.