[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
You Might Also Like
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them