The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
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My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
Blew out my flip flop…
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying