“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
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Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”