Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
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It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.