A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
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I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
You have to be careful about sending your spouse things on social media. You send too many things, next thing you know chores are being redistributed because of “all the free time you clearly have”
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
The Friday File.