None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
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“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee