Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
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the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.