BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
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a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels