If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
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No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?