Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
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Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
Things will get butter, keep churning
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
the short answer to this question