If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
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They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
this makes me so uncomfortable
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
hmm conte-me mais
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.