Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
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Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.