Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
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I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
I’m putting together a team
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.