Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
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A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
you have three unread messages
#oldknees
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
can’t talk my ride’s here
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.