6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
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My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
hey, alexa
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since