The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
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7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
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Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.