The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
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the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
#milo
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec