I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
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[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
#have a #great #PancakeDay
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
Perfect
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar