Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
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surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
Florida man
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
Herpes is trending, good job people
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
Somebody call the cops.
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”