Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
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Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
Thursday Thought.
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
yeah 😭
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
This might be me.
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Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives