My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
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Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
Hot singles in your area!
They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”