I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
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“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.