True freaking story!
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The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
Got ya covered
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years
British cheese: We briefly scared a cow
American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
That’s it.I’m out.
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
Thursday Thought.
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it