getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
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I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”