“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
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I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
My 8 year old already knows what it’s like to be an adult because he was playing with his Rubik’s Cube and said, “I’ve gotten to the part where I don’t know what I am doing”
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.