Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
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Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
lol
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge