When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
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People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
When a shoelace touches your ankle
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”